Why I have stupid friends.
I must be a magnet for the ridiculous. I seriously have some of THE STUPIDEST friends ever. Don’t get me wrong, I have some really good ones too, but there are two that are literally so stupid that just being around them lowers my IQ and kills a few brain cells. Why am I friends with them, you ask, if they are so stupid? What a good question. In fact, I ask myself that often. Two reasons come to mind: 1) They are so stupid that the things they do are hilarious to recount to others and 2) When I met them they didn’t seem that bad. Lets call these two Poopface and Butthole.
The stupidest of the two, Poopface has no common sense yet thinks she’s the coolest and smartest fucking person in the whole wide fucking world. On her Facebook page, she has about 400 albums with about 598746325 pictures of herself. Okay, really? When you’ve obviously made a huge effort to set up ‘the perfect lighting’ and have perfectly curled hair and impeccable makeup (and not to mention the ‘I’m an attention whore’ dress), YOU’RE NOT JUST TAKING A STUDY BREAK. So save the caption and just say “I’m a narcissistic momba jomba and love looking at and talking about myself”. Please. And now, evidence of her stupidness:
(When looking up road trip info on her laptop)
Poopface- “What day is Thanksgiving?”
Other person- “I’m not sure.”
Poopface- “I’ll call my dad and find out.”
Other person- “Why don’t you just look it up on your computer?”
Poopface- “It’s okay, my dad will know.”
Other person- “So will your laptop….”
Poopface- “This way is easier.”
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Jesus mother fucking christ. LET ME CALL MY DAD?!? REALLY?!? THE INFORMATION IS RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS FACE!
(Upon seeing a guy that ‘other person’ thinks is hot)
Poopface- “Look, there’s that guy OTHER PERSON likes!”
Me- “Oh yeah, he’s definitely cute.”
Poopface- “I’m pretty sure he has terrets, though, because of that blinking thing he does…”
Me- “Oh, weird…”
(I proceeded to watch him throughout the night, but saw no excessive blinking)
Later that night…
Me- “So Poopface says the guy you think is hot has terrets.”
Other person bursts out laughing
Poopface- “OMFG Poopface is so stupid. He doesn’t have fucking terrets!”
Here we see evidence that Poopface think she knows EVERYTHING. Why would you just assume someone has terrets? What. The. Fuck. Stupid Poopface. Stupid Poopface.
I WISH that was the extent of Poopface’s stupidity. Unfortunately, I cannot even begin to enumerate the amount of ridiculous things I’ve heard her say.
Other things that suck about Poopface:
-She says she can ‘hold her alcohol’ then stumbles all over the place after a couple shots. YOU SUCK AT DRINKING! And drinking a whole bottle of Hpnotic (which is 17% alcohol) throughout the course of the night is not even impressive. You’re basically drinking artificially colored Blue #4 fruit juice.
-She thinks she’s hot and everyone wants her. Relating to her alcohol tolerance, when she gets ‘drunk’, she assumes that she can ‘turn gay guys straight and straight girls lesbian’ because she is so. damn. hot. Um, excuse me. Taking someone’s hand and forcing them to touch your boob does not mean that they have suddenly been overcome with lust for you. She flirts with someone (and initiates it..) then complains that they want her too much and she has a boyfriend. Please.
-She can’t seem to do homework, and then complains about the amount she has. If you’re going to spend your study breaks taking pictures of yourself, don’t fucking complain about not having enough time to do your homework. That’s your fault.
Let’s move on to stupid hoe number two, Butthole. Butthole is a couple years older than me, but has the maturity of a six-year-old. She seems really nice, but it’s really all an act. She is probably the most dependent, self-centered people I have ever met. She throws herself into 542936 different activities, and half-asses them all. Butthole never has time for her friends, and with each of them says she’s busy with another ‘friend’. I’m not sure that she even has a real friend left, because she just recycles them after she gets bored or busy. However, the stupidest quality that Butthole possesses is her MAN PROBLEM. Butthole falls in love extremely easily, and hard. When I first met her, she had broken up with this guy that she dated for 6(?) months about 9 months ago. She was still ‘heartbroken’, and would freak out if she ‘ran into him’ somewhere, which I later found out meant she had seen him from about a block away. Anyways, last Feburary/March, she started dating this guy, lets call him Panda. Panda loved singing in his Acapella group, watching Glee, and cooking. After about 3 weeks of dating, I met Panda in person and immediately knew that he was as gay as a rainbow colored unicorn that shits glitter. Seriously. My Gaydar was beeping so loud I was worried he would hear it.
Panda and Butthole broke up after about a month of dating. Butthole cried her eyes out for about 6 months. For a one month relationship. She wouldn’t talk to anyone, skipped classes because she started spontaneously crying in them, and didn’t do her normal activities. Yeah, for a one month relationship with a gay guy. Also, when she was dating Panda, we barely saw her. She dropped EVERYTHING for this guy.
Over the summer, she started dating a new guy she worked with. This one was about to start his senior year in high school and was 17. Let’s call him FR (short for future rapist). Butthole is 21, and FR is now 18. They’ve now been dating for about nine months, but about seven months in, they decided to get engaged. Yeah, and he’s not even out of high school yet. He’s planning to go to school in Arizona, and Butthole plans to fly or drive out there every. weekend. during her senior year in college. If we ever see her, which is about once a month, she drops stuff like “my bed at home is so heavy, I was like, Drew is going to have to carry that into our new houseeee”, completely off topic. SHE IS SO FUCKING STUPID! WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT SHIT?!? Oh, and did I mention, her career goal is to be a Hall Director, so that she can live in the dorms for the rest of her life. Sounds to me like she never, ever wants to grow up and just wants to live where people will always be around and someone else cooks her meals. Stupid, stupid Butthole.
So, as you can see, I know two very fucking stupid people. I wish someone would make a documentary/reality show about one of these two. It would be way more popular than the Real World.
Maybe someday I’ll stop having such weird friends. But I guess I would have to stop being weird first.