Heyyyy, that sloth looks an awful lot like Mitt Romney!

Things I hate #4: Mitt Romney

Hey, I’m having a great meal.  BUT WAIT!  I must photograph this so everyone on facebook can roll their eyes at my salmon and rice.  My mother does this shit all the time.  She travels a lot (this may be explained in a later post), and she always has to take a picture of her food to post to facebook.  It drives me crazy.  I don’t care what you’re eating.  Unless your food has an extremely large penis, I don’t want to see it (although I’m not saying I’d like to see pictures of a large penis…again, another story).  I’ve been out to dinner with my mother when she says in the middle of a conversation, “I’m sorry, I have to take a picture of this.”  How. Fucking. Rude.  Excuse me, mom, I’m telling you something very important, and you INTERRUPT ME to take a picture of your GODDAMN food?!?! A) Nobody wants to see your fucking food.  B) You really want to post how much you’re eating?  Really?  Really?  Get a real fucking life and eat/enjoy the goddamn food.  Obviously, if you’re posting a picture of the food, you think it’s going to be good.  Why don’t you try the shit instead of letting it get cold while you pull out your motherfucking phone to take a picture of it? 

On the subject of my mom and this post, she went to Ireland recently and left me her car while she was there.  I drove her to/from the airport since I live near it (sub-metro area).  When I picked her up, she gave me her camera to look through her pictures.  You would THINK I would see gorgeous photos of the countryside, historical landmarks, and quaint pubs.  Instead, what did I see? 75% of her pictures were of FOOD.  Most of the SAME food, with different angles.  Jesus christ.  People these days.

Think before you post.

If I can cut out you and your boyfriend/girlfriend’s face and paste it onto 15468 different backgrounds; and get the contents of your photo albums, you’ve got a problem.  I don’t care if you and your boyfriend went to the zoo.  I don’t care if you and your boyfriend are standing near the Eiffel tower.  I don’t care if you and your boyfriend are at the beach.  And I especially don’t care if you look the same in every. fucking.  picture.  Please, get a life.  Quit hugging for the goddamn camera and go DO something instead of taking pictures and pretending like you actually did.  You get a picture with a tiger you just tried to hunt?  Cool, take a picture.  You’re with Lady Gaga at a concert after she ripped open her vagina?  Awesome, I’d love to see that.  You and your boyfriend petting your cat?  I don’t give a SHIT.  Unless you’re doing something awesome, I don’t want to see it.  And no, the zoo isn’t awesome.

Let me preface this by saying that I like fireworks.  I like Ammuuuurica.  And I like pictures.  But I hate when people take pictures of fireworks.  On the day after the Fourth of July, do you REALLY think I want to see 54684351 posts of 56468435138 pictures that people took of fucking FIREWORKS?  Okay.  First of all, you should be WATCHING the damn fireworks, not fucking taking fucking pictures of them.  Second of all, I saw some goddamn fireworks.  Why the FUCK would you take a bunch of pictures of them and post them?  Who gives a shit?  Unless you were trashed out of your fucking mind starting at 9 AM and passed out by 7 PM, you saw some goddamn fireworks.  And they’re FIREWORKS.  You see them, they’re done.  Why would you want to relive seeing them?  Like I’m going to go through your stupid pictures of fireworks and say “ooh, ahhhhh, soooooo prettttyyyyy”.  I already saw fucking fireworks!  And even if I didn’t see them last night, I’m sure I’ve seen them at some point in my life.  Seeing a picture of a firework just pisses me off.  I went to a baseball game with my family on the 4^th weekend, and afterwards, my mom was showing me all the goddamn pictures of the goddamn fireworks she took.  Jesus FUCKING Christ, I just watched these fireworks!  And the pictures are not NEARLY as good as the real thing!  For fuck’s sake, save your motherfucking batteries to take a picture of something worthwhile.  Because no one gives a shit about your stupid fucking pictures of fireworks.

What the fuck is up with Kindle/iBooks/Nooks?  Okay, so I have an iPad, so I guess that I can wonder without thinking the whole institution is completely fucked up.  I use my iPad (iBooks app) for PDF files, and yeah, I’ve bought a few books through it.  But now that I think about it, WHY THE HELL ARE THESE BOOKS SO EXPENSIVE.  Let’s think about it.  Do they need paper?  Um, no.  Do they need to pay to ship these books to bookstores?  No.  So why are the costs ridiculously close to the cost of the hard copy book?  Good question.  I would love to know the answer.

Hey Kindle people,

Just because my fucking Grandma thinks that you are the best fucking thing on the motherfucking planet doesn’t mean you can charge her 15.99 for a book that costs 16.99 in hardback.  It’s not only mean.  It’s taking advantage of the elderly.  Her rascal was expensive.  She doesn’t need to pay more to read a book on a damn kindle.  Jesus.

When I’m walking/shuffling to work because, as usual, I’m 5 minutes late, I don’t have time to do anything but hope to god that I don’t get fired this time.  So when I have to weave through people representing every motherfucking cause on the goddamn planet while simultaneously trying to hurry, I want to off myself.  Do I LOOK like I have a second for the environment?  I’m sorry, I was under the impression that my downcast eyes and curved walking path answered that for you.  And then when I say “no”, the douche with dreadlocks and tevas says sarcastically, “really?  you don’t have a minute? cahhhh”.  Excuse me mr. I-get-paid-7-dollars-an-hour-to-harrass-people-about-trees, fuck off.  I’m going to work, where I then get paid to bring you 12 glasses of water and explain just WHY we don’t have any gluten-free items on the menu so you can, in turn, give me a 5% tip.  I’m sorry that I don’t want to deal with you for an extra minute.  And anyways, I’m not going to give you money, so there’s no point in asking. 

And when I’m out to walk around and shop?  I want to talk to those damn ‘cause’ people even less.  I’m trying to browse and enjoy the day, not donate money which pays your 7-dollar-an-hour salary and just pays for MORE people to ask me for money.  It’s a vicious cycle. 

So no, I don’t have a minute for the environment.  And I’m pretty sure I don’t have AIDS, so stop asking me if I’ve gotten tested lately. 

Oh yeah, and I can’t spare any change.

I forgot I had this blog. Then, this morning, I wake up to 55 emails that random people are following me. So, I log in. I’m following 5,000 people? When the FUCK did this happen? Did someone steal my password to make me follow people? Why? I tried googling what happened, but all I kept getting was advice on how to get people to follow you. It’s all whiny people who are like, “I have so much to say and I want the world to know it…please help me get followerssssss wahhhh”. No one says, “hey, what the hell, I’m suddenly following thousands of people on a blog I forgot I had!”

What is going onnnnnn?

I must be a magnet for the ridiculous.  I seriously have some of THE STUPIDEST friends ever.  Don’t get me wrong, I have some really good ones too, but there are two that are literally so stupid that just being around them lowers my IQ and kills a few brain cells.  Why am I friends with them, you ask, if they are so stupid?  What a good question.  In fact, I ask myself that often.  Two reasons come to mind: 1) They are so stupid that the things they do are hilarious to recount to others and 2) When I met them they didn’t seem that bad.  Lets call these two Poopface and Butthole. 

Poopface.

The stupidest of the two, Poopface has no common sense yet thinks she’s the coolest and smartest fucking person in the whole wide fucking world.  On her Facebook page, she has about 400 albums with about 598746325 pictures of herself.   Okay, really?  When you’ve obviously made a huge effort to set up ‘the perfect lighting’ and have perfectly curled hair and impeccable makeup (and not to mention the ‘I’m an attention whore’ dress), YOU’RE NOT JUST TAKING A STUDY BREAK.  So save the caption and just say “I’m a narcissistic momba jomba and love looking at and talking about myself”.  Please.  And now, evidence of her stupidness:

(When looking up road trip info on her laptop)

Poopface- “What day is Thanksgiving?”

Other person- “I’m not sure.”

Poopface- “I’ll call my dad and find out.”

Other person- “Why don’t you just look it up on your computer?”

Poopface- “It’s okay, my dad will know.”

Other person- “So will your laptop….”

Poopface- “This way is easier.”

Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Jesus mother fucking christ.  LET ME CALL MY DAD?!? REALLY?!?  THE INFORMATION IS RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS FACE!

Yeah.

More evidence:

(Upon seeing a guy that ‘other person’ thinks is hot)

Poopface- “Look, there’s that guy OTHER PERSON likes!”

Me- “Oh yeah, he’s definitely cute.”

Poopface- “I’m pretty sure he has terrets, though, because of that blinking thing he does…”

Me- “Oh, weird…”

(I proceeded to watch him throughout the night, but saw no excessive blinking)

Later that night…

Me- “So Poopface says the guy you think is hot has terrets.”

Other person bursts out laughing

Poopface- “OMFG Poopface is so stupid.   He doesn’t have fucking terrets!”

Here we see evidence that Poopface think she knows EVERYTHING.  Why would you just assume someone has terrets?  What. The. Fuck.  Stupid Poopface.  Stupid Poopface.

I WISH that was the extent of Poopface’s stupidity.  Unfortunately, I cannot even begin to enumerate the amount of ridiculous things I’ve heard her say. 

Other things that suck about Poopface:

-She says she can ‘hold her alcohol’ then stumbles all over the place after a couple shots.  YOU SUCK AT DRINKING!  And drinking a whole bottle of Hpnotic (which is 17% alcohol) throughout the course of the night is not even impressive.  You’re basically drinking artificially colored Blue #4 fruit juice.

-She thinks she’s hot and everyone wants her.  Relating to her alcohol tolerance, when she gets ‘drunk’, she assumes that she can ‘turn gay guys straight and straight girls lesbian’ because she is so. damn. hot.  Um, excuse me.  Taking someone’s hand and forcing them to touch your boob does not mean that they have suddenly been overcome with lust for you.  She flirts with someone (and initiates it..) then complains that they want her too much and she has a boyfriend.  Please.

-She can’t seem to do homework, and then complains about the amount she has.  If you’re going to spend your study breaks taking pictures of yourself, don’t fucking complain about not having enough time to do your homework.  That’s your fault. 

Let’s move on to stupid hoe number two, Butthole.  Butthole is a couple years older than me, but has the maturity of a six-year-old.  She seems really nice, but it’s really all an act.  She is probably the most dependent, self-centered people I have ever met.  She throws herself into 542936 different activities, and half-asses them all.  Butthole never has time for her friends, and with each of them says she’s busy with another ‘friend’.  I’m not sure that she even has a real friend left, because she just recycles them after she gets bored or busy.  However, the stupidest quality that Butthole possesses is her MAN PROBLEM.  Butthole falls in love extremely easily, and hard.  When I first met her, she had broken up with this guy that she dated for 6(?) months about 9 months ago.  She was still ‘heartbroken’, and would freak out if she ‘ran into him’ somewhere, which I later found out meant she had seen him from about a block away.  Anyways, last Feburary/March, she started dating this guy, lets call him Panda.  Panda loved singing in his Acapella group, watching Glee, and cooking.  After about 3 weeks of dating, I met Panda in person and immediately knew that he was as gay as a rainbow colored unicorn that shits glitter.  Seriously.  My Gaydar was beeping so loud I was worried he would hear it. 

Panda and Butthole broke up after about a month of dating.  Butthole cried her eyes out for about 6 months.  For a one month relationship.  She wouldn’t talk to anyone, skipped classes because she started spontaneously crying in them, and didn’t do her normal activities.  Yeah, for a one month relationship with a gay guy.  Also, when she was dating Panda, we barely saw her.  She dropped EVERYTHING for this guy. 

Over the summer, she started dating a new guy she worked with.  This one was about to start his senior year in high school and was 17.  Let’s call him FR (short for future rapist).  Butthole is 21, and FR is now 18.  They’ve now been dating for about nine months, but about seven months in, they decided to get engaged.  Yeah, and he’s not even out of high school yet.  He’s planning to go to school in Arizona, and Butthole plans to fly or drive out there every. weekend. during her senior year in college.  If we ever see her, which is about once a month, she drops stuff like “my bed at home is so heavy, I was like, Drew is going to have to carry that into our new houseeee”, completely off topic.  SHE IS SO FUCKING STUPID!  WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT SHIT?!? Oh, and did I mention, her career goal is to be a Hall Director, so that she can live in the dorms for the rest of her life.  Sounds to me like she never, ever wants to grow up and just wants to live where people will always be around and someone else cooks her meals.  Stupid, stupid Butthole. 

So, as you can see, I know two very fucking stupid people.  I wish someone would make a documentary/reality show about one of these two.  It would be way more popular than the Real World.

Maybe someday I’ll stop having such weird friends.  But I guess I would have to stop being weird first.

1)  They are distracting to the driver, causing an increased chance of a) collision or other bus-related accident or b) previously unintended homicide of said crazy person. 

2)  They are distracting to other passengers.  Excuse me sir, I just want to ride the damn bus.  I don’t want to hear your life story.  And no, I don’t have any leftovers to give you.  Does it look like I have leftovers?  Where would I put them?  Dumbass.

3) They creep me out.  Your frizzy red hair and glasses that magnify your eyes 100x their normal size make me want to hurl myself in front of the bus.  Your eyes point in two different directions.  Where am I supposed to look?  Also, that large backpack you’re carrying could quite possibly be a homemade explosive.  Next stop, please!

Story:  Today I was minding my own damn business, riding the bus to work.  I ended up sitting across from this crazy ass looking lady with frizzy red hair, a lazy eye and huge glasses, and two (yes, two) winter hats with a bike helmet on top.  She also had disproportionately small feet.  She was tall but had the feet of an asian woman circa long time ago (you know, when they used to stick the feet in boxes to keep them dainty).  Creepy.  She was quiet until she started talking to the bus driver.  “Excuse me, what bus will take me to Randolf Street?”  The driver had no idea.  Um, not a major street lady.  Sorry he doesn’t know where your mobile home is parked in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.  Jesus.  She asked him his name, which happened to be Stan.  She continued to ask him random questions and started a string of compliments aimed at him and all other RTD drivers.  (“You RTD drivers are the nicest people.  Those passengers are the mean ones.”  bus guy: “well, *awkward chuckle* we try!” crazy lady: “You don’t try……you do.”)  Every passenger on that bus, with the exceptions of the other crazies, was looking at her like they wanted to hurl her off the bus.  Unfortunately I didn’t get to see any shit go down, because then I got off the bus.